Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
