Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
