My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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