Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
