I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
