Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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