Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
