Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
