Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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