Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
