Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
