You're completely useless in the revolution.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
