Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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