Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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