I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You can't special order awesome
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
