a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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