i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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