Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
