i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
