i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
