I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
