literally had 100 drinks last night.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
