The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
