dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
