Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
