It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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