so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
