There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Blow job season was short but glorious.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
