i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
organizing the empties. That sober.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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