see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
