just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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