There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
