Having a random hookup so left but love u
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
