I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
