did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
