How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
