i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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