Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
