is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
