So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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