Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
