I just pynch a tree in the face
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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