update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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