did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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