k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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