theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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