I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
