Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
