keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
