Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
