Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
