Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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