we're blogging at a bar
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
